It is Friday and thankfully I’m knee-deep in SQL Server work today (instead of, say, sitting in meetings). It seemed like the perfect opportunity to open the kimono a bit and show you what the DBA’s desk looks like.

This shot showcases the non-computer tools required by the proficient DBA. Each item was carefully selected and is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to accomplishing the DBA’s job. I’ll explain.

Notepad and Pen – Any DBA worth their salt makes and uses lots of checklists. The best checklists are either typed or written on bright white paper with a pen. DBA’s never make mistakes so they don’t use pencils or eera ERsaers ERASERS. Oh. Right.

Sugar Free Energy Drink – It takes a lot of caffeine and Pyridoxine Hydrochloride to keep the DBA’s mind performing at PEAK levels in between breaks. A sugar spike and crash could lead to wild irritability and/or spontaneous napping. Stick to sucralose.

Old School Calculator – It’s important for the DBA to get regular exercise. So instead of using “virtual” calculators on the computer, the DBA prefers old school calculators with buttons. That you have to push. By yourself. (Please hold your applause until the end.)

Reference Books – The DBA finds these indispensable for propping open doors, wasting spiders and burning for warmth during the winter.

Earphones – Nothing says “compute” quite like Prokofiev’s Toccata.

And of course, the DBA will have two of everything just in case something goes wrong.